The truth of it is, the world still does not feel a safe place for me and I don’t think it ever will, that’s just part of who I am. An escape route.Īs I cycled further the world felt smaller and as the world felt smaller it felt safer. To the outside world this may have seemed lazy, but it was what I needed to be able to get there. I would ride to work and get a lift home. Then I began to plan linear rides but with a means of return other than my bike. If I wanted to cycle further I had to plan circular rides around my house so I was never any further away than a few miles. I had to be clever in the way I planned rides. Again, this sounds like such a short distance, but at first it felt like I was cycling to the other end of the country. Initially I started with rides less than 10 miles. I love cycling and this was to be my weapon in fighting my agoraphobia. If you look back through photos of my childhood I have always been on a bike. But I had the theory and was determined to put it to the test. It turned out that running was not for me, I didn’t enjoy it. Flawed logic, I know, but it was what I needed to tell myself. The way I reasoned this in my mind was if something was within running distance or walking distance of my house then it really couldn’t be that far away. In this case I had reasoned that as I became fitter and was able to run further, the distance I could travel away from home without feeling anxious would also increase. I have always been an analytical person, needing to understand the world around me and I think this fuelled my anxiety. This meant that an already anxiety induced high heart rate was increased even further with the physical exertion of running. I also had to do this in a state of physical exhaustion. Not only did I have to face my agoraphobia and venture away from my safe space, my home. Initially this felt like an impossible challenge. The end of my road was ¾ of a mile, totalling 1.5 miles there and back. Not a marathon, not a 10k, not even a 5k. My journey is one in which I changed my relationship with the outside world through embracing adventure and exploring the limits of my resilience. I want them to know that finding themselves in a better place is not going to be a perfect journey, but it is a possible one. So why am I telling you this? Because I know that there will be someone out there who feels just like I did. And now, ten years later, not only can I walk those 200 metres, I can leave my car at home and cycle the whole way. A challenge which I had to face every day. It is difficult to put into words but it was probably one of the most mentally challenging things I have ever faced. Ten years ago, walking 200 metres from my car to work was my mount Everest. It can be difficult for people to understand why I feel so immensely proud of myself when I reach the top of a mountain, or cycle the 11 miles to and from work.
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